This Is My Life
To be honest, it would be safer to blog that I am totally okay and fully adjusted back to American life. I mean, I was only gone for 19 days and it's been 2.5 months since I got back. To be honest, I am realizing that it is much more brave to be real about the fact that my life is not perfect and that the "transition" back to America is just as incomplete and confusing today as it was on June 3rd (the day I got back).
I am finally used to using flushable toilets and having running water, but some days I wish I wasn't. I am back "on the grid" but sometimes I wish I was without electricity again. I'm used to showering in an enclosed space without the presence of goats and frogs and lizards, but sometimes I miss it. I've gotten used to being around my Fargo people again, but my heart still yearns for conversations with my Zam Fam. My eyes have adjusted to the flat land of NoDak, but I long for days where I can look across the African grass and see mountains. I suppose I've gotten used to wearing more than 2 shirts over the course of a week, but honestly I'd rather go back to living in my Iowa State t-shirt and Chitenge (Zambian skirt) all the time. My stomach has adjusted back to American food but I'd give nearly anything to sit around a fire eating nshima with my teammates again.
This still doesn't feel real and I don't know if it ever will. I try to reflect on the trip but I feel like I can't. I don't have the words yet and I've struggled to find any over the past few months. Looking back on some journal entries from my time in Zam, I'd like to share something that I wrote on one of the last days:
"I had no idea what to expect going into this trip but now I feel like I don't know what to expect going back "home." I do know that God deposited things in my heart that will probably take a while to sift through. I do know that God is faithful. I do know that I will be back."
There's something that can't be fully explained when one returns from a missions experience like mine. And it's this: Life will never look the same and the "transition" will never be complete. There is no such thing as re-adjusting.
My life is not perfect. Some days it looks like a trash bag full of wet coffee grounds spilling on my feet. Some days it looks like standing in the rain in a parking lot for an hour and a half changing a friends tire. Other days it looks like waking up at 4:30, going to work until 1pm, coming home to eat lunch, going to my other job until 7:30, eating dinner, and going to bed at 8:30 just to do it all again the next day. Some days it looks like wondering what I'm doing in nursing school and why I work at a coffee shop and a pool. There are days where emergencies happen at work that nobody should ever have to be faced with. Some days I get sneezed on and kicked in the shin by children but have to act like nothing happened for their safety in the water. Many days my brain feels like mush and words are hard to find. And then there are days where people ask me what God has been doing, if I'll go back to Zambia, when I'll go back, what I'm going to do next summer, what I'm going to do next week and the questions overwhelm me because I don't have any answers for them. I don't have answers to any of the "big" things in my life right now. I can't fully explain what God is doing. I wouldn't be able to tell you exactly how I got to where I am other than that God's grace carried me here and I did absolutely nothing to deserve it. Most days my life looks like something I never pictured or asked for, in the best way possible.
People have asked me how it's been being back. I've been asked how everything that happened has become part of my current daily life. I have been asked how I've been. Here's the thing, I'm not "okay." I'm not okay with living the way I used to, because there's so much more. I'm not okay with the fact that there are people around me that don't know Jesus. I'm not okay living my life in a way where everyday looks the same, just waiting for something bigger or better to happen. I'm not okay with being too afraid to reach out to someone because of fear or awkwardness. I'm not okay with the brokenness and darkness that surrounds me. I'm not with it. Because I won't settle for an okay life. Following Jesus is not about settling for an okay life.
I've come to the realization that this isn't easy. God needed me there for 3 weeks but now I have to accept the fact that for this season, He needs me here. Right where I am, even when I don't understand a single part of it. Because God is faithful, yes, even here. I'm so excited to see what He's about to do. And now, this is my life. Walking a fine line between what I was used to and thought my life would look like and what God is now calling me into and towards. This is my life of not knowing what the future will look like, what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go. This is my life and it's a little messy but I'll take messy over complacency any day. I'll take Jesus over convenience any moment. With Jesus, this life is an everyday adventure and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
So, this is me. Living as a daughter of the Star Breather. An imperfect servant of the only One worthy of praise. A broken vessel for whatever the Spirit may choose to do in and through me. I don't have the words to close this up. Maybe I never will but for now, I am asking God to reveal what He has deposited in my heart. To give me the words to say or continue writing when it's appropriate. To whisper to me what missions and ministry and possibly going back might look like. To give me the ears and heart to hear His voice and follow His call every moment I'm alive. This is what I know: I am called to go where love is needed...and right now that is North Dakota, and I'm totally okay with that.It's different now, my life. It's different now, my heart. It's different now, my dreams. It's all different. And no, it'll never go back to "normal." I don't ever want it to because there's nothing normal about seeking God's heart. This is my life, and I love it.
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